The Creative Works of Jonny Leather

Song of the Day: Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine – “Sheriff Fatman”

Released: 1990
Album: 101 Damnations

While Manchester’s “Baggy” scene was at its peak, London’s Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine was producing their own unique brand of dancy punk rock. Utilizing drum machines and samples, along with high energy guitars and socially conscious lyrics, Carter The U.S.M. were one of the best bands connected to the UK’s Grebo scene, which also included Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, E.M.F. and Pop Will Eat Itself. “Sheriff Fatman” was one of their first singles, and remains one of their definitive tracks.

[Intro]
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sheriff Fatman!

[Verse 1]
Now, Sheriff Fatman started out in business as a granny farmer
He was infamous for 15 minutes and he appeared in Panorama
Then he somehow got himself on board the Starship Enterprise Allowance Scheme
With a Prince of Wales award for pushing Valium and amphetamines

[Chorus]
Now he’s moving up onto second base behind Nicholas Van Wotsisface
At six foot six and a hundred tons, the undisputed king of the slums
With more aliases than Klaus Barbie, the master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea
Just about to take the stage, the one and only, hold the front page

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[Verse 2]
Fatman’s got something to sell to the capital’s homeless
At The Crossroads Motel for the no-fixed-abodeless
Where you can live life in style, you can sleep in a closet
And if you flash him a smile, he’ll take your teeth as deposit

[Refrain]
There’s bats in the belfry, the windows are jammed
The toilets ain’t healthy and he don’t give a damn
He just chuckles and smiles and laughs like a madman
A born again Rachman, here comes Sheriff Fatman

[Verse 3]
With his Valium, amphetamines
His sick notes and his phony prescriptions
And just when you thought it was safe
To go back into the kitchen, dead legs and cracked heads
Bunk-beds and breakfasts
Wake up, you sleepy headcases!
Check this…

[Chorus]
Now he’s moving up onto second base behind Nicholas Van Wotsisface
At six foot six and a hundred tons, the undisputed king of the slums
With more aliases than Klaus Barbie, the master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea
Just about to take the stage, the one and only, hold the front page
Moving up now to take the place of Nicholas Van Wotsisface
At six foot six and a hundred tons, the undisputed king of the slums
With more aliases than Klaus Barbie, the master butcher of Leigh-on-Sea
In a hatchback from Notre Dame, the one and only Sheriff Fatman

[Verse 4]
In goes another left hook and now I’m losing my patience
Someone call up Roger Cook and The United Nations
He’s buying up houses for hasbeens (Help me)
From Lands End to Southend and Chelsea

[Refrain]
There’s bats in the belfry, the windows are jammed
The toilets ain’t healthy, he don’t give a damn
He just chuckles and smiles and laughs like a madman
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sherriff Fatman!